I like the fragmented narration. Somehow it grants everything with an immediate urgency. That helps because I've never seen the movies and have no clue about either of these two characters. But it manages to keep me interested. I'm also impressed by your ability to write 1st person POV. The viewpoint character leaves a strong impression.
"Because really? Me and chatty don’t belong in the same sentence..." - That paragraph seems to break character. He doesn't talk much, but he introspects at length about a small detail?
"Do it to a computer and you fry the circuits." - That line seems a little out of place. There are a few instances where an extra metaphor gets thrown in or there's a lingering comment placed on something small. Those instances kind of disrupt the flow of the narration.
"Twenty percent angel, eighty percent devil." - It's a little redundant since the "I’m more devil than angel" line comes up later. I think I prefer it as dialogue.
And now, for whatever reason, I keep thinking about this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl8fS_6KNLY
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2010-08-05 09:10 am (UTC)"Because really? Me and chatty don’t belong in the same sentence..." - That paragraph seems to break character. He doesn't talk much, but he introspects at length about a small detail?
"Do it to a computer and you fry the circuits." - That line seems a little out of place. There are a few instances where an extra metaphor gets thrown in or there's a lingering comment placed on something small. Those instances kind of disrupt the flow of the narration.
"Twenty percent angel, eighty percent devil." - It's a little redundant since the "I’m more devil than angel" line comes up later. I think I prefer it as dialogue.
And now, for whatever reason, I keep thinking about this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl8fS_6KNLY